A lesson to be learned (and some Halloween)

I think I finally figured out the lesson that God is trying to teach me (lately. of course there is more than one!). That doesn't mean I've fully learned it and that problems will go away. But it does mean that I'm admitting to myself that other than my own choices, I don't have any control over anything. And even thinking about it more in these terms right now, it feels very liberating.

It feels like the boys have been waking up earlier and earlier lately. Benny has been wearing underwear to bed for quite some time and he's been doing a wonderful job of getting up whenever he needs to go to the bathroom. The trouble is, in the early morning hours, Benny will sometimes turn the bedroom light on when he goes. That, rather unfortunately, wakes Andy up. As soon as Andy wakes up, both boys think that it's day time and time to be up and play. Sometimes they stay in their room and play. Sometimes, like this morning, they make their way out into the family room and start playing (this has been around 5a or earlier). Spencer is just wonderful and this morning he got up 4 times to get them to go back to bed. I thought it was only twice - maybe three times. I was wrong.

This morning has been a bit of a hard one for me. Not because the boys are acting especially tired or bad, but because I have been letting their lack of sleep get to me. I want to figure out what I can do to fix the problem. There have been countless times I have wished I could make a child sleep. Our kids have always slept well at night. We have, however, struggled with daytime naps - particularly with Benny starting at age 2 and Andy recently.

I think the lesson I need to learn is that we are not in control. We may think that we are - and we may have moments where we feel like we are. Those are delusions. I just looked up "delusion" and it includes in the definition: "typically a symptom of mental disorder." That reminds me of the definition of insanity that I have heard often: "doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result." Apparently I suffer from insanity. Knowing is half the battle, right?

In all honesty, I believe we need to know our limits. I think it's part of having low expectations. It's not about doing nothing, but taking care of what we can. Just because I have no real control over my children does not mean I should cease to instruct and implement certain consequences for certain actions. Just because I had no control over Benny and Andy throwing sand in the sandbox at our ward playgroup today doesn't mean I shouldn't enforce the consequence of removing them from that situation if they do it one more time. They did, so I got them inside. I am grateful that they weren't throwing the dirt at anyone else - or even each other - but I don't want them getting into that habit or getting sand in their eyes or others' eyes.

I think it's also important to learn that even some of the things we do have control over need to be let go. I could choose to have control over keeping my house spotless. That is something I have chosen to let go - not completely. We don't live in filth. But if I tried to always be picking up after our kids or hounding them to pick up everything right when they're done playing with it, nobody in our house would be very happy. I'm learning to adapt to my situation in life.

These lessons have come bit by bit to me and I'm grateful. This year I almost decided to make a costume for Benny. I called my sister Bethany to ask her about the costume she made for her oldest daughter that (I'm guessing) they're 6th child wore for Halloween this year. After talking to her I decided to keep things simple and I bought Benny's costume (eight bucks at Dollar General). It was wonderful. He loved being a "good" Darth Vader. What really cracks me up about it all is that we almost had to talk him into wearing his costume to the ward Trunk-or-Treat. He wanted for a while to wear what he wears his Iron Man costume: a red long-sleeved t-shirt, his blue warm-up pants, red slippers, and Spencer's Gryffindor beanie pulled down over his face. He would have been just as happy wearing that. I'm glad I didn't worry and stress over making a costume for him when it would only have negatively impacted the whole family. Some things are just not worth taking control of.

I do find it ironic - and comforting - that of the three costumes for the kids this year, the one I didn't make won a prize at Spencer's school's Halloween party. That makes three years in a row for Benny. The Max wolf suit I made two years ago won two years in a row. This year he won "Scariest" costume. I tried explaining that to him and he kept telling me he wasn't scary. He's a good Darth Vader. So, although the "pressure's on" for next year, I'll probably buy the costumes we need for next year - or start sewing in June!

I wish you could hear Benny saying "cheeeeeeeese!"


I heard that Lilia was going to win "Cutest," but they wanted to spread out the winnings.
A very cute little lion won.
She sure was a cute little monkey and everybody got a kick out of her walking around everywhere. She loves her costume and wore it around the house a couple of afternoons looking pleased as punch!


Waiting for the judges to finish.


Oh, and I won best adult costume. I haven't dressed up for years but I thought the kids would get a kick out of it. They loved the silly braids.
At the trunk-or-treat the adults all knew who I was but I got blank stares or "What's with the hair?" from a bunch of the kids. I guess Pippi Longstocking is more dating than I thought...

The pep talk I needed

I sure needed a pep talk from my mom this morning. I wrote in my journal this morning (finally! It had been over 4 months) after I got a hold of her and I thought I'd share it.

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7 October 2010
There is a lot I need to work on. Things start going really well and I start to expect more. That doesn't sound like it would be a bad thing always. I think it can be dangerous with kids, though.

On our date last month, Spencer pulled up a "conversation starter" app on his phone. One of them asked about having high or low expectations. It was kind-of funny because I got a "Well that's a no-brainer" look on my face. Then Spencer said, "High" and was going to move on. I stopped him and told him my answer was "low." We discovered we were looking at things differently. I think I do have high expectations for myself in the kind of person I am. I have high expectations for Spencer and what he can accomplish. When our kids are in school I believe I will have high expectations for them and their work and with their grades.

However, in working with little kids day in and day our for some time, I have learned more than once -- and sometimes the hard way -- that it is incredibly important to lower expectations. I need to remember this lesson more often because I think it could save me from learning it again the hard way.

I think that I get good at lowering my expectations for a while. I even get good about adding things to our lives that, really, are like -- not the icing on the cake because, let's face it, I really don't like cake without the icing -- that extra taste of chocolate trifle -- just wonderful, but not necessary after the helping you just had. I get good at these things that after a while, I begin to expect these things as the norm. And when they don't happen as a normal course, I get hard on myself and wonder why I'm not able to do better.

I have definitely had many days where I have felt that I succeeded because we all survived the day. I have joked about that many times, also. I think, though, that I have created a problem for myself. Not because of what I expect of myself, but because of what I think others expect of me. Let's not start on the number of things that are wrong with that idea.

The Lord gives each of us our own challenges and it's up to us to find the best way of dealing with those. The best way meaning the Lord's way. Otherwise we will continue to be given opportunities to learn -- the hard way.

I'm trying to remember that God has given me certain challenges and I am supposed to do things my way, which I am trying hard to make the Lord's way (turning my will to his, not the other way around) -- not anybody else's way, no matter how enticing it may look from the outside. They have their own challenges and are adapting their own lives to their own situation.

I am recommitting myself to keeping my expectations low for what we do each day. The essentials will be met -- and that may change each day. We may watch a movie every day. We may watch two some days. Some days we may even watch three. I just don't know. I will work to be a good mom. I want to be a nice and happy mom. That is what my kids need. That is what I want to give them. I'm sure we'll still go to the library, the zoo, the aquarium. But if we don't happen to make it when I think it would be ideal, that's okay. Those things will all still be there later. I'm also sure there will be days like Tuesday when I'm tired and don't want to do anything, but I'll push myself to get out with the kids because they need it. And it will be great.

If I can remember to keep my expectations lowered effectively and appropriately, we may all just be in for a great life together. I'm looking forward to it with my wonderful Spencer and our wonderful kids.
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I'll finish up with some pictures from the backyard picnic we had for lunch today.

She loves being outside.


The boys love playing with their toys on the window ledge. Benny had Veronica, the hippo, and Andy with his dinosaurs.


Prince Phillip (still - and maybe forever)




Benny and Veronica.
I can't believe how much he's growing up these days.


My attempt at a group shot. Ohh, well. They're still cuties.

i need to lighten up

God is kind. He knows what we need and He gives it to us often. more often than we realize, probably.
just this morning i was talking to a friend. i expressed some of my frustration at hearing from people in the ward every once-in-a-while (usually at the end of sacrament meeting) that they are "so glad [they're] not in [our] stage any more." it's not that i don't believe it. i very much believe it. it's that it would be nice to hear more words of encouragement. maybe something like, "it doesn't last as long as you think it will," "it'll be over before you know it," or especially "you're doing great!" i'm sure we look pretty frantic sometimes with our three kids under three years apart and i'm sure we remind a lot of people what it was like for them.

i had a few errands to run this morning and we were out of the house for a while. i used to shy away as much as possible from going out of the house with two kids, but i've found new energy for just doing what needs to be done. i've realized that it's not really harder to get out of the house with more kids, it just takes longer. a lot longer. i also have to try to time it just right because there's lilia who needs to nurse, andy who still naps, and benny who is now using the toilet to go to the bathroom(!!!). sometimes it feels like quite the ordeal. i guess we didn't go that many places, but we were gone for a while.

we went visiting teaching and had a nice visit until the boys started acting really tired. my companion did get lilia to sleep, though (she likes to sleep on her stomach), so that was wonderful. we had to go to the store for a few things and i bet i just look crazy with the kids. i carry lilia in the baby bjorn and hold a hand of each boy until we get to the big cart with the seats. today a family leaving stopped and asked if i wanted their big cart (less than half-way through the parking lot). they had three kids and the mom told me she knows what it's like. very nice to get help like that. luckily we didn't need very much, but as i was checking out i realized that i had forgotten to bring in the prescription i needed filled for andy. this was one of the main reasons for this trip to the store. i had tried getting it filled at this walmart last saturday, but monday when spencer tried picking it up they told us it had been lost. i almost didn't want to take the new one there, but it's so darn convenient. i took the groceries to the car and took the already tired kids back into the store. amazingly enough, the worker that had taken my very frustrated call about the lost prescription was there and had found it but didn't have my number to call. they had filled the prescription! what a blessing.

this was probably way too much build up for what happened while waiting at the pharmacy, but it illustrates how much it was needed. there was an older, retired couple sitting across from the pharmacy. i'm not sure why they were just sitting there because they weren't in line (i asked). but they were wonderful. they smiled at the boys and the man would take off his cowboy hat and put it back on for entertainment. they were so nice. they said that they had been there before. the man told me his wife raised 6 kids that they had within 8 years (i actually applauded her - and mom, i'm applauding you too (my mom had 6 in 8 and then 2 more in the next 4 years). i applaud you every day.). this woman said that i deserve the applause because things are harder now than they were for her. i'm not sure about that, but it was nice of her to say. i found out that a few days ago they celebrated 58 years of marriage. this woman said that if her husband decided to leave her, she's so used to him that she'd probably follow him. they have 12 grandchildren and several great-grandchildren. they mentioned how blessed they were. they said some nice things and sent me off with a "have a great life." what wonderful people.

i needed that experience. i am so grateful to have come across a random couple sitting across from the walmart pharmacy. they were happy with me and happy with my kids. and they know that what i'm doing is worthwhile. God did that for me today. and i'm so grateful to Him for that.

that experience got me thinking about my kids and how i respond to them. i've always been quite a perfectionist and that has trickled into my parenting. i have been trying to have perfect kids, which i know, of course, is a total joke. kids get tired. they scream. they spit. they whine. i can't make them stop that. of course i can parent and teach and explain, but there's only so much of that you can do with kids 3 and under. people know that kids can be that way. to an extent, kids will be kids. kids need to be kids. there are behaviors that need to/should be stopped, but there's a lot that will be grown out of - as long as there is teaching done along the way. i need to remember that even though i've got hang-ups (that of course will get passed on to my kids - no way to avoid it!), i'm a good person. i try to do what's right. i'm trying to teach my kids to love their savior. things are going to be alright. heck, things are alright. they're great. i just need to lighten up.

the worst job in the world...

...according to my checker at wal-mart the other day, is her job. she said everyone should praise them for what they go through. i said i sometimes felt the same way about my job (about the praise, not about it being the worst job). i told her i have a two-and-a-half-year-old, a one-year-old, and one on the way. her response: "do you watch a lot of tv?"

is that really what people think about mothers who stay at home? maybe that's what i'd do if i wanted my children to end up working at wal-mart.

it's not about you. it's about them.

i've had some tough days as a mom. i've had some tough weeks. right now, in terms of benny's napping, i've had a few tough months.

for the last little bit, things have been a little easier. i'm not exactly sure why, but i think part of it is something my sister bethany said to me one afternoon: "it's not about you. it's about them." this may seem quite basic, but it was very helpful for me to hear. we were talking about the nature of mothering and how life can be very hard and even crazy at times (many times). i think that i've been trying to fit too many different things into my days that are for me. when you have certain expectations that don't get met, it's very frustrating. when you're a mother, things, almost always, will not go according to that plan.

i've had a perspective shift of sorts. i don't really expect to get things done - for me - throughout my day. yes, there are things that have to get done for the family - grocery shopping, other errands, laundry, and dishes (the latter two sometimes only when absolutely necessary - and that may or may not include getting things put away); however, the bulk of things revolve around what my kids need. they need a playmate. they need a teacher. they need a role model. mostly, they need a mother who is happy and who isn't always getting upset over not being able to do what she has planned.

to the untrained eye, it may seem like i get nothing done with my time. but many of you mothers out there already know, i know, and, most importantly, god knows that i am working to give my kids a happy, healthy environment with a mother who does not regret her choice to stay at home and take part in raising the next generation.

*for the record, i have never regretted my decision to stay at home with my kids. they give me great joy -- and occasionally cause to scream.